tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1169099224342043637.post8250420804541737417..comments2023-09-27T12:40:18.571+01:00Comments on Charlie Serafini's Art Blog: Minor Project - Boy vs Bed Poem Progresscharlie-serafinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02628770415873817684noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1169099224342043637.post-84255982987744334222016-09-27T20:11:42.813+01:002016-09-27T20:11:42.813+01:00Thank you for all the feedback, it is super helpfu...Thank you for all the feedback, it is super helpful!<br />It can definitely go darker, I shall start the next version and get another draft up!charlie-serafinihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02628770415873817684noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1169099224342043637.post-87294555009026505442016-09-27T20:00:01.910+01:002016-09-27T20:00:01.910+01:00Hi Charlie - I think it will help you to look at t...Hi Charlie - I think it will help you to look at these sample verses as a guide in terms of scanning and rhythm etc - The way you're breaking up your sentences isn't helping the flow - too bitty.<br /><br />There once was a boy who was scared of his bed.<br />Because sleeping, he thought, would wind up with him dead.<br />His mum and dad thought him strange. What a way to behave!<br />To believe that to sleep meant you'd go to your grave.<br /><br />But the boy wouldn’t listen. The boy understood<br />That parents know nothing and kill him it would.<br />So at night, all alone, wide awake with his dread<br />The boy would do battle with his old wooden bed.<br /><br />I'm also suggesting that you need a bit longer to set the scene, so I've put together a second verse that ends by introducing the bed as his antagonist. There's another element to this, inspired by your downbeat ending with the bed saying 'prepare for your doom'. I'm suggesting your tale can darken still further; there's something about the experience of being a child who knows they are in danger - but being disbelieved - that we can all relate to - it's at the heart of what is horrible about The Erl-King for example - the fact that the threat was real and adults disbelieve you because you're 'just' a child. I put this alternate final verse together by way of an example. It sort of moves the poem into a slightly different territory and makes it a bit 'pointier' for the grown-up audiences too. Anyway let me know what you think.<br /><br />So they gave the boy pills – the doctor said two<br />With milk before bed and he’ll sleep night through.<br />But come the next morning they found their boy gone<br />That’s the thing about adults. They get these things wrong. <br />tutorphilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11842833126210822641noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1169099224342043637.post-5350727671837137322016-09-26T19:34:02.299+01:002016-09-26T19:34:02.299+01:00Hey Charlie - great progress - can you email as wo...Hey Charlie - great progress - can you email as word file? Ta!tutorphilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11842833126210822641noreply@blogger.com