Monday, 26 September 2016

Minor Project - Boy vs Bed Poem Progress

I decided to try to write another poem that is a little bit darker in tone, this is how it is going so far:

There once was a boy,
He was scared of his bed,
For throughout the night,
Chilling thoughts filled his head,
Overshadowing him,
His bed would stare,
Quietly it muttered,
“Close your eyes if you dare”.

The boy was startled,
As his room grew dark,
The bed looked vicious,
With teeth like a shark,
his room became vast,
as if like an ocean,
the bed encircled him,
what an eerie notion,
he will be consumed,
by his fears manifest,
unless he can conquer,
his night time quest.

He remains vigilant,
Never shutting an eye,
For he believes,
There’s a chance he’ll die,
But from the shadows,
An unwelcomed grip,
The white of his covers,
Wrapped around his hip,
The sheets spin quickly,
Moving up his tummy,
He can’t escape them,
Encased like a mummy.

Some of it may need editing to make it flow nicer, but I think I prefer this version.


  1. Hey Charlie - great progress - can you email as word file? Ta!

  2. Hi Charlie - I think it will help you to look at these sample verses as a guide in terms of scanning and rhythm etc - The way you're breaking up your sentences isn't helping the flow - too bitty.

    There once was a boy who was scared of his bed.
    Because sleeping, he thought, would wind up with him dead.
    His mum and dad thought him strange. What a way to behave!
    To believe that to sleep meant you'd go to your grave.

    But the boy wouldn’t listen. The boy understood
    That parents know nothing and kill him it would.
    So at night, all alone, wide awake with his dread
    The boy would do battle with his old wooden bed.

    I'm also suggesting that you need a bit longer to set the scene, so I've put together a second verse that ends by introducing the bed as his antagonist. There's another element to this, inspired by your downbeat ending with the bed saying 'prepare for your doom'. I'm suggesting your tale can darken still further; there's something about the experience of being a child who knows they are in danger - but being disbelieved - that we can all relate to - it's at the heart of what is horrible about The Erl-King for example - the fact that the threat was real and adults disbelieve you because you're 'just' a child. I put this alternate final verse together by way of an example. It sort of moves the poem into a slightly different territory and makes it a bit 'pointier' for the grown-up audiences too. Anyway let me know what you think.

    So they gave the boy pills – the doctor said two
    With milk before bed and he’ll sleep night through.
    But come the next morning they found their boy gone
    That’s the thing about adults. They get these things wrong.

    1. Thank you for all the feedback, it is super helpful!
      It can definitely go darker, I shall start the next version and get another draft up!